Sadness smells like roses after the rain….

Today the postman woke me. One minute I was in a dream of the distant past and an old car, the next I was shot into the day by the knocking on the Tardis door. Three parcels, two for me and one for Boo. Boo got new T Shirts, he only likes original whacky T Shirts from far away, usually Yogcast related. I was gifted with a gorgeous red embroidered door hanging from India… from my friend Nikhil. I thought the last parcel was jam or pickles as it was jar shaped, but instead it was full of love, and some sadness.

Ro’s Argan Body Conditioner, from Lush…. sent to me as a belated Christmas gift by my darling Tabby and her awesome girlfriend Liv. It is delightful, and it smells like old fashioned scented roses, right after the rain. I felt the love, that they went out of their way to get something they knew I wanted, that they wanted to make me smile ! I did smile… then I cried.

A few days ago Tabby told me that her and Liv were breaking up, giving each other space to grow and move on, after two and a half years. I wanted to pretend I hadn’t read her email, I don’t like endings, I don’t want people to move on…. and I don’t want anyone to be left behind. Yes I know its how the world goes, how love goes, how relationships are, and how people grow. Of course I know all this. But I don’t like it, not right now. I want them to be happy and together. I don’t want to worry that one is unhappier than the other. I don’t want life as we knew it to end, even though it does end, over and over.

The two and a half years of Tabby and Liv were a BIG two and a half years, we all lived together, we were family, we had cats and kittens, and shared a car and a fridge and towels and pasta. We experienced new life and death, tears and joy, lots of airport goodbyes and hello’s……..ending and beginnings. Then a year ago, they left for the Big Smoke. That was tough, but they were still together, safe in their little family unit with Casper and Ziggy the kittens.

And now they are no longer together, divorced, a broken home…. even though they will always love each other, and we will always love Liv and she will always be part of our family… It hurts…. it hurts so much, it hurts for Tabby and Liv and Phoebe and Boo and Casper and Ziggy… and it hurts for me. Each time I drive my car that the girls shared so often,  it hurts, when I go past the BP garage where Liv worked, or open the larder and see a bag of Liv’s Pepito’s, it hurts. When I go into the purple room, it hurts.

I had no idea how my children’s relationships would become my relationships, or that their break ups would involve the ripping apart of my own heart.

I hope this is right for you both, I hope you are truly happy, I hope you always love each other, and stay friends forever, I hope you have lots more fun times together, even as just friends. These are a lot of hopes, but I cant help them, they live in my rainbow coloured heart, where there will always be a wee Tabby and Liv shaped hole.

I love you Tabby and Liv and I miss you already  xxxxxxxxxxx